R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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