dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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