In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
