Can i not drive my cunt home
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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