just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize