I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
