i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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