I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
