you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
