Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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