Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
