you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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