I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
