John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
