Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Randomize
