im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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