So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
