u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
