giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize