Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
