this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
