He asked to "fluff my boner.."
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
