How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
