If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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