you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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