Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
this just has baby written all over it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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