I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
