I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
