tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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