You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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