why didn't you poke me back
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
