so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
