if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
