The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
