fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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