It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
