He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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