I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My bed smells like the plague
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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