So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
