We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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