You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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