i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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