My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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