I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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