I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
