did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Soap is not a condiment
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize