we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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