I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
