did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
