You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize