Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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