We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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