i already hear my dad disowning me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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