I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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