so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
you win again, gameday.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
