I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize