I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
