the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
