so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
