o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
