Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
me + whiskey = a bad person
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize