I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize