her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
