is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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