maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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